Fail level: Expert

Trying to make use of my highly developed ability to get myself into embarrassing situations, I decided to share a few of my best stories, for the benefit of the entertainment of others. My clumsiness is constant, and it usually doesn’t result in anything more serious than having a lot of bruises on my thighs, as I often tend to crash into the corners of tables, but sometimes it turns out more interesting. Please, do laugh at me. That’s what I do.

1#

I was having breakfast at school with some friends, being my usual sleepy self. It was early in the morning, and we were all sort of quiet, trying to wake ourselves up and chasing the Zs out our own heads.

I don’t remember what I was eating, but I know for sure that I was drinking a glass of milk. I was leaning my elbow on the table with the almost full glass of milk in my hand, sitting face to face with one of my classmates.

So, my friend is peacefully taking small bites of his sandwich when I suddenly drop the glass. It bangs into the table and somehow mysteriously turns towards him. Absolutely all of the content splashes in his face, without a single drop landing on me.

I don’t think I will ever forget the degree of surprise in his face. After noticing that, I started noticing his completely soaked, white, dripping appearance. Then I turned to my own hand, internally asking it what the fuck it was doing. It was like it had gained a consciousness of its own and decided to go rogue.

Some strange coincidence had made it so that my classmate was wearing an all white linen outfit that day, so after drying up he looked surprisingly decent. But I swear it’s the most efficient waking up I have ever experienced. Pretty sure he felt the same way.

2#

Late night Madrid, having hung out with a bunch of Spanish dudes the whole evening. I was pretty tired and we had walked for a while without managing to find a taxi. My husband and his crowd were kind of strolling in the back, probably telling their usual pervert Spanish jokes, while I was more or less jogging up front, scanning the area for someone to drive us home.

Suddenly I see a car with a design I recognize, and I wave like a maniac to make it stop. It is a joyous moment of relief for me, and I basically sprint for it with my arms going like a windmill to get to it before anyone else does. But, in my eagerness for bed I am misjudging what Madrid taxis actually look like, and I am almost by the door of the car ~which has then stopped for me~ when I realize I have just hauled a police car. Single blond girl in desperate need of assistance, shamelessly proving that Spanish police is there for you when you need it (or don’t). Not my proudest moment, and the hilarious gang I was with did not have the decency to let me know what I was doing. Thank you for that.

One should think that the big letters spelling POLICIA on the side of the car would have given it away. But no.

3#

Early morning tram to uni, half an hour from one side of town to the other. It’s rush hour and obviously crowded, so my roommate and I end up standing in the isle for a few stops. I basically don’t have anything to hold on to when the tram makes a very sudden move, and I can still remember my slow motion thought process of realizing that I am falling. There is no way back, and I’m going down.

I dive forward, seeing the floor getting closer and closer, and my arms reach out for whatever they can in mere reflex. What do they find?

The inner thigh of an unexpecting gentleman. I grab him with my full weight, pretty much touching his crotch with the tip of my fingers, cursing myself as I regain balance, totally mortified. I mumble an apology, he accepts politely and offers me the suddenly available seat towards him. Face to face, so I have to spend the next twenty minutes holding my laughter with so much force I think I peed myself a little.

Good thing our genders weren’t switched, or I would probably be in prison right now. Sometimes being female makes it easier to commit accidental sexual harassment on public transport. You even get rewarded with a seat.

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