It being spring and all, I thought it was time to leave all my everyday annoyances behind. No things truly disappear though, – one has to move them elsewhere. So this is me moving my negativities here, so I can hopefully go on with my life a little less passive-aggressively.

When I remove the things that really upset me (like racism, abuse, war and you name it), there are always things that make me cringe and imagine random stuff falling from the sky hitting certain people over the head, making them two-dimensional in a kind of cartoon-like way. Anyone remembers Ally McBeal? If you do, you know what I mean.

#1
Sidewalk blockers

They walk slowly. They walk in the middle. And they just do not move. I sometimes deal with it by walking creepily close to them until they realize I’m trying to pass. It doesn’t really work, but it makes me feel better.

#2
Queue skills

Or the general lack of them. In my many years of selling stuff, I found myself wishing we had a kind of military approach to organizing ourselves in lines. And that the individuals who fail would be forced to do a hundred push-ups on the spot. Do not make a group! You are not a shoal of herring!

#3
Early birds

Certain people (especially the human I married) seem to put on their happy faces once they open their eyes in the morning. This premature good mood includes singing, putting on music, tickling, and general bullshitting. Why won’t you leave me alone with my misery?

#4
Certain parents

I fully understand that kids misbehave and that parents don’t always have the power to control them. And yes, it is easy to judge when one only has to take care of creatures that sleep up to twenty hours a day (meow). But, having experienced kids throwing three thousand NOK shoes around my shop, and kids putting their hands down their diapers and smearing poop on the windows, I claim the right to infuriate. Apologize and clean up your shit (literally)!

#5
Stinginess

Splitting the bill according to exactly what everyone has eaten. Looking through every single pack of cheese to find where it is possible to save a minimal amount of money. Selling stuff to your friends for a symbolic sum. All while being amongst the richest people on earth. Have some class!

#6
Sports missionaries

Fine, you’re sporty, your problem. Don’t try to convince me I can be. You don’t live inside my body, you don’t know what working out feels like to me. If you did, you wouldn’t dare suggest I go to the gym. Seriously, it would be easier to make me convert to whichever actual religion. Scientology, Amish, Mormon, Flat Earth Society. You choose.

#7
Spelling mistakes and bad grammar

I’m genuinely sorry, but I am and will forever be a grammar nazi (except if you’re not writing in your mother tongue or you are dyslectic). Know that every time you write a mediocre sentence, I will silently judge you. You are hereby judged.

I am thankful for ~The Great Internet~ providing me with a place to blow off steam and being a bad person. From this point on I am purified and ready to face the month of May.